Ask Andrew Give the cold shoulder to jealousy & insensitivity

Give the cold shoulder to jealousy & insensitivity

ASK ANDREW

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Q: I have been dating a guy for five months who I think I am in love with. We’ve had a lot of fun and never argued. He always makes me feel appreciated and special. But lately he has been asking for my passwords to email and other things, and I’ve “caught” him looking through my phone texts. In a way, this kind of creeps me out. But it’s the only thing that is weird. What do you think about this kind of behavior?

A: Well, I’d say that anytime someone in the relationship is snooping around, it can’t be a good thing. I’ve had friends in similar situations, and it’s almost always fueled by jealousy and/or trying to keep tabs on an ex. But when he asks you for your passwords, have you said yes? Is there a chance that in your haze of love you’ve given him a little too much leeway with this behavior? I’d confront him about it, even if your relationship has been nothing but candy hearts and violins playing so far. I doubt he’s asking for your email password because he doesn’t have an email account of his own. (Although that might be even creepier.) And, even if you were hiding some deep, dark secret (has he found it yet?), he shouldn’t be looking through your texts. You’ve heard it before and you’ll hear it again: Trust is important. That applies here. Trust me.

Q: At what point in a new relationship do you think a woman should mention that she has had a mastectomy? If you were dating someone who shared this, what would your reaction be?

A: I just knew a really challenging question would come during the Tri for a Cure issue. Are there many options for a guy? Any insensitive dude with a less-than-supportive reaction would (and should) be quickly shown the door. There’s no doubt it’s a sensitive issue, but I would think that if a woman has been through it, the topic of breast cancer would come up naturally during any new relationship. It’s too much of a life-changing event not to. I’d say just be up front – at least you know you’d weed out the jerks real quick.

Q: What’s the deal with Tinder? A lot of my friends use it, but I’m kind of nervous. Do reasonable/intelligent/nice guys use Tinder? Or is it strictly a hook-up tool?

A: Ah yes, Tinder. I can honestly say that I never hit the download button on this one. (By the time Tinder became a thing, in September 2012, I was having an engagement ring made.) However, a lot of my friends use it, so I’m familiar with the swiping left/right mentality. For those who don’t know, swiping right means you approve of a male or female after judging them by a few pictures and a short bio. It’s definitely used (and thought of) by many as a much quicker and shallower version of online dating, and I honestly think some people use it just because they think it’s funny. Everyone wants to quickly click their opinion or approval on things now. Beginning with “likes” on Facebook, swiping left on a person you don’t find attractive seems part of a natural progression (or regression, depending on how you look at it). I do know, however, of at least one friend who is now in a committed relationship that began on Tinder. They’ve been together a few years now, which points to the fact that there must be some genuine romance-seekers turning to the app. I’m guessing the best bet, once you both swipe right, is to come up with other ways to communicate. If it were all up to me, I’d swipe left on the whole thing. Or you could always swipe right. You know, just to see where it leads.

Andrew Rice brings a man’s perspective to issues posed
by women. Write him at: arice@mainewomenmagazine.com