Reconsidering the Language and Dynamics of Gratitude
SARAH MACLAUGHLIN IS A SOCIAL WORKER AND AUTHOR; HER MOST RECENT BOOK IS RAISING HUMANS WITH HEART: NOT A HOW-TO MANUAL.
When offering appreciation, it is often stated that one “stands on the shoulders of giants.” And while the intention is to give credit where credit is due, isn’t it a little crummy to stand on top of someone—even metaphorically? In the same vein, doesn’t it feel just as bad when the positions are swapped and the admired person is being “looked up to.” There is a reason for the wise saying about the discomfort of falling from pedestals. Ouch!
Language impacts our perspectives in deep and pervasive ways. Is it possible that our sayings and speech patterns breed comparison and competition among people, especially women? There is also a paradox here. People can be deeply connected and fiercely competitive—both supportive and cutting. Sometimes appreciation for another comes with a side of snark or self-depreciation. These aren’t necessarily “women’s issues” or even personal, but rather human foibles. In a culture that often tells its members—even young children—to pull themselves up by their bootstraps when facing a problem or to shake it off when they get hurt, it’s no surprise that later on adults are wary of collaboration. Hyper-independence breeds distrust and hinders our inclination to rely on each other.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” —Theodore Roosevelt
What if we could be more aware of these tendencies and prime ourselves for connection with others? One way is through mindfulness of the words you use to describe others (and yourself!). Use non-comparative language when possible. That might mean avoiding labels, which are inherently limiting, and the better-than/less-than dichotomy. The pitfalls of the binary are tempting—someone else is good at something in comparison to us being terrible at it. See how things shift when you give a compliment alone, “You have a beautiful voice,” without a follow-up barb, “I can’t sing a note.”
On the topic of compliments, practice receiving them without explaining them away. In fact, try to get better at receiving in general. Many of us feel more comfortable giving— our time, energy, and gifts—than receiving. This can sometimes be a trauma response in that we don’t want to get accustomed to relying on others. Get curious about your reflex to deflect generosity and kindness from others, or to feel like you have to do everything yourself.
Another approach to consider is in growing your emotional vocabulary. Famed social worker and storyteller Brené Brown found in five years of research that among 7000 people surveyed, most could only identify three emotions as they were having them: happy, sad, and mad. That is a limited palette to choose from. Her recent book, The Atlas of the Heart is a wonderful resource that maps the nuance of 87 emotions. The Center for Nonviolent Communication (check out their Feelings Inventory) is another great place to expand your emotional literacy.
Gratitude is more than just the words we say or how we speak them. It is a mindset and a perspective. Gratitude and appreciation are lenses through which we can more clearly see the world around us, and each other.
