Nelson Hill Garman: Shining the Light On Power
Nelson Hill Garman
I moved back home to Maine nearly a decade ago in search of a simpler, more connected way of life. I wanted freedom from the financial pressures of Manhattan, the ability to make different choices about my work, more meaningful access to nature, and a social life that didn’t have alcohol placed firmly at the center of it. I was drawn to be closer to my family and was beyond burnt out on NYC dating. The feeling of anonymity that had once drawn me to the city was rapidly losing its charm. I wanted to feel like I was putting down roots and building community somewhere I could see myself living for years to come.
As I settled into a new life in a new city, exploring local beaches and trails but still tethered to my computer, social media, and my work, it didn’t take long to see the uncomfortable truth that so much of what I thought was environmental had come right along with me in my U-Haul. Busyness, distraction, and hustle culture had become deeply woven into my internal value system, and simply moving to a new place wasn’t going to change that.
It was in this period of realization and frustration that I met Nelson Hill Garman and started to learn about her work. It wasn’t long after our first meeting that I found myself riding the ferry to Peaks Island on a crisp winter day with 5 other women. Together we were heading out to a day-long workshop on Women and Power at Nelson’s home. She had a way of transforming the deep work of personal growth and evolution into something that didn’t feel like work at all. As we basked in her loving support and a sumptuous brunch spread, we were introduced to a new definition of power. Not power over someone else - where for you to win someone else has to lose - but something much more nuanced than that: the power to create a desired outcome. The power to move something from point a to point b, or in my case from state a to state b. And I would add now knowing her work first-hand, the power to even identify that desired outcome in the first place.
I knew that this was the type of thinking that would help me to invite the change that had brought me to Maine. I signed up for the workshop series she was offering on Women + Power, and over the years that followed she became a coach, mentor and friend.
Together we worked on slowly stripping away the patterns and protection mechanisms that had become so comfortable but were keeping me stuck. When I would come back with a typical type A persona’s long list of all the things I was going to work on or change, she challenged me to whittle it down to just one action that would have the most impact. Just this shifted approach to setting goals was revolutionary. I landed on meditating 2 times a week as this core habit. It was a goal I could not only actually achieve but could sustain and wow, the way things started to unfold for me from there.
This winter Nelson passed away after a lengthy relationship with cancer. A relationship where she put all her tools into practice and was surrounded by community. Deep friendships were forged in the spaces she created. She helped us to notice, name, and cultivate our super-powers. The things we did without even realizing it. Things I hadn’t previously even noticed as special became the stakes I could put in the ground of the identity I wasn’t creating as much as letting it reveal itself to me. Presence, positivity, cultivating connections between people and building community, and a deep confidence in the problem-solving power of a group, even as small as two. The more I created space to show up as my full self, the more I was able to create that same space for the people I was working with.
As I was learning to lean into my power on one side, she helped me to also understand and look at the ways I was stripping myself of power - often subconsciously - falling into the patterns of learned behavior any woman socialized in the US knows all too well. Was I looking at a situation from an owner or a victim mindset? Understanding that they are not binary states, but we are constantly ebbing and flowing between the two and may be more prone to one of the other in different arenas in our lives. Was I cultivating understanding and agreement in my relationships, or was I operating based on unsaid expectations and assumptions which often yield resentment? And were there thoughts or limiting beliefs getting in the way of the vision I had for myself?
The tools and perspective her work shared helped me to slowly but surely live my way into a new reality. A reality where I can trust in myself and the validity of my needs, where I know that my work and relationships are better when I am nourished, and where I can remember that the evolution is never done. Ironically, deep into a new life stage as a partner and a step-parent, I find myself on the precipice of another stage of reinvention. And while I wish like hell that I could call her up or meet over a coffee or hop on the ferry out to Peaks Island to get her perspective, I know that her teachings are forever alive in me and in the community of women she cultivated so dearly, there to return to time and time again.
